My boyfriend thinks I'm funny.

I cut my hair. This is a true story.
Yeah, actually... I do have a myspace.

"It's hard to have an open mind and keep it closed." - Mark Rafter

"I used to be a woman." - Mr. Whelan

"On my Yahoo news one of the headlines read 'Iraqi Woman May Lose Rights'. Um....Where have they been?" -Steven Ross

"This may be the finest idea I've ever had except for most of them." - Saladin

Everything written here Me unless otherwise stolen. I mean stated.

My Favorite Entries
The Toaster Rebellion.
Gift-Wrapping is Harder than it Looks.
Sign it.
McDonalds is America.
The Pecan Beast
He loves me, He loves me not.


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You wish you were cool enough to create your own fan club.

Name(s): It's Ariella, but I go by a billion other names along with that.

Gender: Female. I had always thought that was sort of obvious (BOOBIES), but every once in a while someone online mistakes me for a guy. And sometimes hits on me. *Shiver*.

Age: Seventeen. Yeah, I'm not legal. Think about that.

A note to those who do not have a death wish: I HATE leetspeak, shortened words, and inacurracy. Inaccuracy is a mark of sloppy thinking. Will it kill you to type out "you" instead of "u"?

Interests: Reading, writing, the remarkable cheese in a spray can...

Born: in London, but I now live in California (Los Angeles area)

Aim: LandorsCottage. Feel free to instant message me, for I have no life.

Education: Done with high school; currently in my second year at a lame community college.

Likes: Ponies! Books, intelligent people, roses, candles, gay men, Oscar Wilde, and jello.

Dislikes: Smoking, alcohol, idiots, sugar, and most insects.

-Maura AKA Narcissa-

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Why I should have been in Star Wars.

Han Solo: "That's too big to be a space station!"

Me: "That's what she said."

Posted at 10:40 am by MinaCarstairs
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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Mack: Were you just smoking a cigar?

Me: Maybe.

Mack: How fucking quaint.

Posted at 01:44 pm by MinaCarstairs
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Friday, May 22, 2009
Why I only make myself laugh.

"Have you ever met anyone with the last name Wiener?" my now thirteen-year-old sister Ceilidh asks.

"Yes," I say.

"That would suck," she decides.


I smirk. "It would suck a big fat Wiener."

Posted at 12:32 am by MinaCarstairs
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Sunday, May 03, 2009

The world can't possibly exist. I mean, really. Think about all the crazy, random stuff in this world: shoes? The Eiffel Tower? Toaster pastries? Dogs? Bolivia? Hiccups? Chinese People?! Seriously. Think about how many different things there are. There are too many. It's ridiculous.

So, basically, I've decided that I don't believe in the world anymore. It's too vast.

But I'm still stuck here, at least until the hard drive melts down or whatever. So I'm glad you guys are here, too. Where's the fun in goldfish or hummus or Loch Ness if you don't have people with whom to share it all?

Posted at 12:32 am by MinaCarstairs
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Thursday, April 09, 2009
The Ocean Ate my Cell Phone

Hey guys,

The ocean stole my cell phone. I did not drop it. The ocean reached out and grabbed it.

So, if I previously had your phone number, I don't have it anymore. New phone, same number. Text me?


Posted at 04:13 pm by MinaCarstairs
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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Is a good day.

Posted at 01:30 pm by MinaCarstairs
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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Why did this not exist when I was three?

Life is not fair.

Posted at 02:06 am by MinaCarstairs
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Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Professor: "Do you know how some people are cat people, and some are dog people?'

Me: "That's because cats are better, and some people are stupid."

Posted at 12:52 pm by MinaCarstairs
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

John is a not-so-bright stoner who works in the back of the restaurant. When he was on break, I sat down across from him.

Me: "Why does this napkin say '19'?"

John: "... What?"

Me: "This napkin. It says '19'."


John: "Ooooh. All this time, I thought it said '1b.'"

Posted at 02:53 am by MinaCarstairs
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
Um, it occured to me that you guys might find this interesting.

So, many of you probably know about the dumbassery that is California's recently-passed Proposition 8. Basically, now gays can't get married. In California. Where homosexuality was invented. This is edited to be a bit more funny than it was when I sent it to a lawyer.

At about midnight on November 4th, Election Day, three friends and I were removing “Yes on 8” signs (AKA litter) from the center median on Bouquet Canyon road between Bouquet Canyon and Centurion Way. Just as we reached Centurion, I went out to the center divider and picked up a sign (we were separating the plastic part of the sign from the metal, and planning on recycling them). A man in a red car with McCain/Palin and “Yes on 8” stickers jumped out of the car and chased me. I had no way of identifying him, and he was wearing street clothes, so I thought I was gonna fucking die at the hands of some crazy republican. My three friends had driven a little farther up the road and the man who stopped me finally showed me his police badge and said, “I am placing you under arrest for theft of a political sign.” I was confused, as I thought that things left on public property were considered “litter” and there were no laws against picking it up. Later I found out that this is definitely true. I told him that, and he said it was a crime and that I had to stay with him. I was never read my rights. He asked how old I was, and I said “eighteen.” He said “Great! You’ll spend the night in jail.” Jerk.

Four girls walking by told me that he couldn’t hold me and I should just walk away, and the man yelled at them to go away. They said they weren’t going to leave a young girl with a man they didn’t know (he never showed them his badge.) I asked them to stay for a few minutes. I called 911 because I didn’t have the local police number, and they gave me the station number. I called the station and asked if it was legal for an off-duty police officer to arrest me for taking signs from the center divider in the road. He admitted that he honestly didn’t know, but that officers are technically on duty 24/7 and that it was best for me to wait until other officers arrived. I told the girls who had stopped that they could leave. The off-duty officer’s wife was waiting in his car. Another off-duty officer pulled over and asked me what I did. I said that I took a “Yes on 8” sign and he said “Good, you should go to jail.” because this town is full of republicans. He and his wife stayed for most of the rest of the scene. My friends called to find out what had happened to me, and I told them it was probably best for them to come back, which they did. The officer had us all sit on the curb while he lectured us for trying to be “cool.” We were very respectful and explained that it would be silly to take down signs to be “cool.” He asked why we did, and I said “We had no idea it was illegal, we thought signs left on the street like that were considered litter.” We said this repeatedly to almost every officer present. I have since talked to a friend who said that he actually contacted the police station the day before and asked if it was legal to remove signs from public property. They told him that not only is it legal, it is illegal to put the signs up in the first place, so he would be doing the police a favor by removing signs from public property. Burrrrn.

About six police cars arrived (seriously. Six.), as well as several normal cars with either off-duty officers or just civilians. They went off to the side of the road and talked about how I “should have gone to law school” and they said they didn’t “know anyone who would ever take down a ‘No on 8’ sign.” which is bullshit, because all the No on 8 signs go missing almost immediately. My friends had parked in a church parking lot, the closest place to park, and the off-duty officers and their wives talked about the “irony.” Deputy N. Simon arrived and asked us some questions (our ages, where our ID was, et cetera.) Deputy Simon, who is considered the arresting officer, asked me to sit in the back of her car, saying that she was going to book me, but not take me down to the station. She was awesome, but I don't think she knew why she was arresting me. The officer who had jumped out of his car to stop me kept asking questions and telling Deputy Simon about “theft of political sign” laws, but she said she could find no record of a special law regarding political signs in her book.  He claimed to be the one who put the signs up on Bouquet. My friends were released because he had only seen me taking a sign down (damn). Another officer told Deputy Simon that for some reason she was going to have to “hard-book” me and take me down to the station (I don’t remember the reason.) She realized that he was right and told me it would only take a few hours (awesome!). The officer put me in handcuffs and warned me that if I moved around, they would tighten. I still was not read my rights. I guess they forgot, but I wasn't going to do anyone any favors!

Deputy Simon put my seat belt on, and I asked if this would be a black mark on my record. She said it was probably a misdemeanor and that it would go on my record, but practically disappear later. The rest of the ride I just asked questions about how long she had been an officer and what her shifts are usually like. She was very polite and I told her I had no idea it was illegal to take a sign from a center divider. She said “You know what? I actually believe that.” She also said that if she thought I was really some sort of criminal she wouldn’t be talking to me. We got to the station and Deputy Simon took me inside. One of the officers asked “Which signs were you taking?” I said “The Yes ones,” and he joked, “Yep, that’s a felony!” Once again, everyone in this city is a republican. Except the cool people.

I was taken to a room that was connected to the office and I sat there for a while, waiting for Deputy Simon to finish some paperwork. I was charged with “484(a) P.C. Petty Theft” at 00:30. My property included my shoes, belt, a purple pen, a cell phone, a mini tape dispenser and a mini stapler, my class ring, and $2. That's pretty serious right there. Bail was $1000, but I was only there for about four hours. I signed all of the papers I was given, and Deputy Simon took ink fingerprints. I was allowed to use my cell phone for a few minutes instead of using the jail phone.

I sat in the room for a while and talked with the different officers. Deputy Simon said she was going “out in the field” for an hour or so while waiting for my paperwork to be completed (which took foreeeever). A lot of officers were surprised I was being held there for just picking up some signs. One of them asked if I had taken signs from private property, and I said “No, I would never do that. We were taking them from the center dividers of the road.” I heard him whisper to another officer “Can you keep her here for that?” A few hours later, an officer walked by and said, “You’re still here?” I said “I guess so!” and he shook his head and walked away. I asked almost everyone who passed by if they knew if or why it was illegal to remove a political sign from public property, and none of them were able to give me a proper answer. I told the desk officer (who mentioned that he is normally “out in the field” that I thought the signs were considered litter. He said I was probably right. The desk officer then took me to use the restroom and an inmate worker brought me a cup of water. I had a cut on my foot from something that had happened a few days earlier, and because I was barefoot, I asked for a band-aid to keep the cut from getting dirty. He said he didn’t usually work there and he couldn’t find any, but within the next hour he found one by asking the secretary.

My paperwork was eventually finished, and someone called Deputy Simon so she could come back. A while after she returned, she and the male officer who had been at the desk took me to the back for fingerprint scanning. They both had a lot of trouble working the machine, so I was helping them because I (of course) have a knack for computers. We had to do all the scans twice, because the first time they chose the wrong kind of prints (identification instead of criminal.) But it was hilarious and wer were laughing the whole time. Deputy Simon said “This is nice doing this on you, because I’ve had to do this with some nasty people.” They took photographs and Deputy Simon said, “Do you want to know my honest opinion? I don’t think this is going to go anywhere. They’re going to take one look at this and throw the whole thing out.” I was given my property and finally allowed to leave with my friends, who had come to take me home. I got home at about 5 am.

So I had a pretty interesting week. Then later that day I got a speeding ticket. Whaaat.

I'm talking to a lawyer, though. Yay?

Posted at 01:13 pm by MinaCarstairs
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